OUTLAW EAGLE MANUFACTURING

[Arthur]

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter . I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is
22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down
and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months
ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get
through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps!

[AR]

Dear Sheila:

If you are not mechanically inclined you should get a cell phone as soon as possible.

There is no way you should be expected to walk back home to get your husband when a simple phone call will do.

I hope this also helps.

_____

[Rapid Transit]

Dear Sheila:
You should think about joining AMA . They provide roadside assistance.

[HIGH AND DRY]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

*WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

*MAN: "Yes"

*WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat,
it's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

*MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

*WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked"

*MAN: "How much?"

*WOMAN: "$95,000"

*MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

*WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

*MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's
really a pretty good price."

*WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you somuch!!"

*MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.....

*MAN: He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."

[Forplay]

Wrong numbers are great - true story,

Few years ago we were in the office and one of my sales guys (Chris) answered the phone. I'm sitting beside him wondering what in the hell he's yacking about. After he got of the phone he said, well I just saved that guy a ton of money and grief ....

Apparently a minister had phoned our shop in error and asked if Mr. Doe was in. Chris of course stated that Mr. Doe was in, but was busy at the moment and could he relay the message. The minister went on to state that Mr. Doe had accidentally left their marriage certificate at the chapel from the new couples recent wedding on the weekend, and could he come and pick it up.

Chris immediately went into a BS story about the unfortunate events that happened following the recent wedding. He explained while everything went great at the wedding, but thing turned ugly at the reception afterwards as Mrs. Doe had got extremely drunk , and ended up going in the parking lot in a van with two men attending the wedding. The new husband went looking for his wife, and had found her "mid ship" of the two men committing adultery when he looked inside the van that was rocking in the parking lot. He also explained that Mr. Doe wasn't actually in, we were just covering for him. He was actually in jail as he beat the crap out of the two men and roughed up the wife a bit, but as he only was able to have one phone call - he called Chris to give him instructions to relay for the minister should he phone.

Chris explained that Mr. Doe is obviously upset, and his instructions were to advise the minister that he no longer wishes to be married to this woman no doubt. He asked since it had only been a few days, Mr., Doe believes that the marriage license should be similar to buying a vehicle under Alberta law - meaning that you have up to 72 hours or so to reneg on the contract. So Mr. Doe does not want to go though the hassle and embarrassment of serving a divorce after only being married for a couple of days - so would the minister mind just throwing the certificate out. He'd appreciate if he could do it as soon as possible, as Mr. Doe may not be out of jail in time to call the minister himself before the 72 hours is up.

I can't believe that goofy bastard did that, but it was funny as hell. Almost as good as Danny Devito in Ruthless People, "Is Debbie there? ..."

On a side note, I think Chris was near the end of his second marriage when this happened ...

[HIGH AND DRY]

Here is a video that I got a chuckle out of. A little bit of language at the end and might not be safe for work.


http://i263.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid263.photobucket.com/albums/ii131/xstreetg/whenthewifedoesntlisten.flv

[HIGH AND DRY]

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

[Arthur]

Here's something everyone at home should try...............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGydN5k6zDw

[Forplay]

Great vids !!

Speaking of wives & guns ... here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFJjaj7pXsA&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

[Arthur]

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize
they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, 'You've gotta go back and
get the opener or else we have no beer.'
'No way,' says the second. 'By the time I get back, you will have eaten
all the food.'

'I promise I won't,' says the Newfie. 'Just hurry!'


Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.



Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, 'I knew it! I'm not fucking going!!!!'

[Rapid Transit]

Baldie, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a hooker and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for his age , but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
the prositute replies "Well Dave, old sailor, you're doing about three knots"
"three knots, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
she says " you're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting you're money back!

[Forplay]

Man walks into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his shoulder.

Man: "See - this is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache."

Wife: "You idiot, That's not a pig - that's a sheep !"

Man: "I wasn't talking to you ...."

[Rapid Transit]

There once was a first nations man whose given name was "Onestone".

So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and he asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said " If any one calls me Onestone again I will kill them !" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."

He grabbed her and took her deep into the bush where he made love to her all day and all nite. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he said he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name untill a women named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Birds cousin, was overjoyed when she saw him and said, "good to see you Onestone!"

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the bush, then he made love to her all day long, then all nite long,made love to her all the next day , then all the next nite, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die.


And the moral of the story is ???


You can't kill two birds with one stone !!

[Arthur]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb can of coffee

& 1 lb package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,

a drunk standing behind me watched

as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,

the drunk calmly stated,

‘ You must be single.’

I was a bit startled by this proclamation,

but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition,

since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt

and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections

that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:

‘Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right!

I am single, but how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.

[BLOWN INCOME]

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron

Mountain, B.C. and talks with the old ranch
owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
illegal grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't
go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally
explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority
of the Federal
Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant
pocket
and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to
the farmer.





'See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish..on
any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you
understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his
chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies
the RCMP officer running
for his life and close behind is the
rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on
the officer.

The officer is clearly
terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools,
runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his
lungs.....


'Your badge! Show him your badge!'





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