OUTLAW EAGLE MANUFACTURING

[Arthur]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...



LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... OH WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU

KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO

OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"



WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"


I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"
SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."



"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE ... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ...".

AND I JUST SAT THERE ...











ON THE COUCH ...











NAKED.

[Arthur]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'



I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - -------- ---------


I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

My
wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you
know her?'

'Yes,'
I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My Gosh!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.


"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...



------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.


I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.



She denied me it. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

She said she¢d look pretty after using the cold cream. I told her that¢s what the beer was for.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.



Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my
husband!'

So
the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his
car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'


The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.



I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our 20th anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.



So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My
wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to
phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....